August 12, 2011
1. Newblog2011: 08/12/11 A Problem I Have Sometimes
In the past few months, I’ve been thinking about why I seem to do things, for no reason, that hurt people’s feelings or that otherwise upset them right after they’ve been nice to me. I’ve noticed that it’s a pattern for me.
What I’m about to write isn’t meant to be judgmental about my family of origin, to excuse them, to excuse myself, to blame them for what my life is like now, or anything other than an explanation of something that I’ve noticed that I do and don’t have control over yet.
From the time I was born, my father accused me of being a lot of things that weren’t good; both of my parents did that. They said nice things, too, but I never knew how they were going to treat me from day to day, or what I could do consistently that would make them want to be nice to me.
My father accused me of “setting him up” for things, which was never true. Not every moment of counseling I ever had was worthless or worse than worthless. It was probably a therapist who told me about projection, when you accuse other people who are innocent of things that you do yourself, to them or to others.
Both of my parents would often be nice to me right before doing or saying something that was needlessly cruel. I think that when that happens to you a lot, you don’t necessarily always see kindness, respect, or people genuinely liking you when those things are there. What you think, unconsciously or consciously, is “That’s a trap. Whatever nice thing it is that the person is doing is the first step, and the second step is going to be something bad.”
I’ve noticed that my reactions are completely unconscious in the situations when I’m feeling as I’ve described in the preceding paragraph. It’s only seconds, minutes, weeks, or months later that I realize that my reaction was a defensive one.
What I wrote above applies to situations in which I respond or have responded in a way that is odd or seemingly hostile when it ought to be obvious to me that the thoughts that are being expressed toward me by other people are not only warm but also respectful and mindful of my boundaries as I've already described them.
1. Newblog2011: 08/12/11 A Problem I Have Sometimes
Copyright L. Kochman August 12, 2011 @ 2:46 p.m./last edit @ 2:51 p.m.
1. Newblog2011: 08/12/11 A Problem I Have Sometimes
In the past few months, I’ve been thinking about why I seem to do things, for no reason, that hurt people’s feelings or that otherwise upset them right after they’ve been nice to me. I’ve noticed that it’s a pattern for me.
What I’m about to write isn’t meant to be judgmental about my family of origin, to excuse them, to excuse myself, to blame them for what my life is like now, or anything other than an explanation of something that I’ve noticed that I do and don’t have control over yet.
From the time I was born, my father accused me of being a lot of things that weren’t good; both of my parents did that. They said nice things, too, but I never knew how they were going to treat me from day to day, or what I could do consistently that would make them want to be nice to me.
My father accused me of “setting him up” for things, which was never true. Not every moment of counseling I ever had was worthless or worse than worthless. It was probably a therapist who told me about projection, when you accuse other people who are innocent of things that you do yourself, to them or to others.
Both of my parents would often be nice to me right before doing or saying something that was needlessly cruel. I think that when that happens to you a lot, you don’t necessarily always see kindness, respect, or people genuinely liking you when those things are there. What you think, unconsciously or consciously, is “That’s a trap. Whatever nice thing it is that the person is doing is the first step, and the second step is going to be something bad.”
I’ve noticed that my reactions are completely unconscious in the situations when I’m feeling as I’ve described in the preceding paragraph. It’s only seconds, minutes, weeks, or months later that I realize that my reaction was a defensive one.
What I wrote above applies to situations in which I respond or have responded in a way that is odd or seemingly hostile when it ought to be obvious to me that the thoughts that are being expressed toward me by other people are not only warm but also respectful and mindful of my boundaries as I've already described them.
1. Newblog2011: 08/12/11 A Problem I Have Sometimes
Copyright L. Kochman August 12, 2011 @ 2:46 p.m./last edit @ 2:51 p.m.