November 3, 2010 @ 11:00 p.m.
I had near-constant, intense suicidal feelings from 18 to 23. Those feelings returned at times in my later 20’s and briefly at times in my early 30’s.
I also had some suicidal thoughts earlier this year after the sexual harassment had been going on for a while. I mentioned those thoughts online when I realized that I’d been having them for a few weeks, and it was when I realized that I’d been thinking of suicide again that I also realized that I was in the first stage of a breakdown.
It did take about 6 weeks of my being extremely careful with myself to regain my health. I’d been through so many other painful times in my life that I was able to predict that time frame; I knew from the way I was feeling that it would take about 6 weeks for me to be all right.
I slept a lot; I slept whenever I was tired, but I also spent time resting when I didn’t necessarily feel tired, reading things that were funny or at least not extra emotionally or intellectually challenging. I tried to avoid things that were upsetting as much as I could.
I ate whenever I felt that I could; I eat less when I get upset than I ordinarily do. Not everyone responds to extra stress that way; some people eat more when they’re upset, but I tend to lose my appetite completely. The way I handled that several months ago was to start the day with shakes that incorporated orange juice, thawed out frozen fruit, and a couple of tablespoons of soy protein powder that had vitamins in it. That usually helped me have a normal or near-normal appetite for the rest of the day.
As I felt better, I did more, but the pattern for that was usually a day of doing more and then back to a few days of having to rest more; I think that’s the way health usually gets restored, whether it’s physical health or mental and emotional health.
I don’t know when it was during the past 10 years that my response to extremely painful or otherwise upsetting situations started to become “I will live through it,” or at least “I will face it.” Even in the midst of having suicidal thoughts earlier this year, I knew enough about myself to realize that the thoughts were themselves an indicator that I needed to take extra care of myself for a while. I thought, and said at the time, that I had been writing so much about the harassment, looking at it, analyzing it and writing about it so much, and I was so sure that it wasn’t affecting me that finally my brain had no choice but to create suicidal feelings for me to experience in order to get my attention that I was suffering.
There had been other signs that I had ignored, such as the fact that I didn’t want to go anywhere by myself, even though at that time few people in Burlington knew what was happening and I hadn’t yet been harassed by anyone in person.
I also hadn’t gotten things done that weren’t particularly challenging things to do; they just sat there for a long time.
There had been a lot of harassment by then, on the Internet, on TV shows, from the media; lots of fish names, fish jokes, and so on. I wasn’t getting depressed out of nowhere, and I don’t know that “depression” was the right word for what I was experiencing. I was upset and had some feelings of hopelessness, but I also was losing my ability to do normal things.
“I will live through it” and “I will face it” are thoughts that can coexist with something like suicidal feelings. It’s normal anyway for people to have ambivalence about a lot of things in life, and having strong feelings of wanting to live out your life to its natural conclusion at 80 or 100 or however long it will be along with strong feelings of discomfort about what your life is like and fear about what your life is going to be like in the future are normal reactions to times of intense pain or frightening circumstances.
“I will live through it” is a thought that has gotten me through a lot of things, a lot of fears, even big fears. “I will face it” has allowed me to be as self-respecting as possible when confronted with the possibility of things that I might not be able to do anything about.
Copyright L. Kochman November 3, 2010
I had near-constant, intense suicidal feelings from 18 to 23. Those feelings returned at times in my later 20’s and briefly at times in my early 30’s.
I also had some suicidal thoughts earlier this year after the sexual harassment had been going on for a while. I mentioned those thoughts online when I realized that I’d been having them for a few weeks, and it was when I realized that I’d been thinking of suicide again that I also realized that I was in the first stage of a breakdown.
It did take about 6 weeks of my being extremely careful with myself to regain my health. I’d been through so many other painful times in my life that I was able to predict that time frame; I knew from the way I was feeling that it would take about 6 weeks for me to be all right.
I slept a lot; I slept whenever I was tired, but I also spent time resting when I didn’t necessarily feel tired, reading things that were funny or at least not extra emotionally or intellectually challenging. I tried to avoid things that were upsetting as much as I could.
I ate whenever I felt that I could; I eat less when I get upset than I ordinarily do. Not everyone responds to extra stress that way; some people eat more when they’re upset, but I tend to lose my appetite completely. The way I handled that several months ago was to start the day with shakes that incorporated orange juice, thawed out frozen fruit, and a couple of tablespoons of soy protein powder that had vitamins in it. That usually helped me have a normal or near-normal appetite for the rest of the day.
As I felt better, I did more, but the pattern for that was usually a day of doing more and then back to a few days of having to rest more; I think that’s the way health usually gets restored, whether it’s physical health or mental and emotional health.
I don’t know when it was during the past 10 years that my response to extremely painful or otherwise upsetting situations started to become “I will live through it,” or at least “I will face it.” Even in the midst of having suicidal thoughts earlier this year, I knew enough about myself to realize that the thoughts were themselves an indicator that I needed to take extra care of myself for a while. I thought, and said at the time, that I had been writing so much about the harassment, looking at it, analyzing it and writing about it so much, and I was so sure that it wasn’t affecting me that finally my brain had no choice but to create suicidal feelings for me to experience in order to get my attention that I was suffering.
There had been other signs that I had ignored, such as the fact that I didn’t want to go anywhere by myself, even though at that time few people in Burlington knew what was happening and I hadn’t yet been harassed by anyone in person.
I also hadn’t gotten things done that weren’t particularly challenging things to do; they just sat there for a long time.
There had been a lot of harassment by then, on the Internet, on TV shows, from the media; lots of fish names, fish jokes, and so on. I wasn’t getting depressed out of nowhere, and I don’t know that “depression” was the right word for what I was experiencing. I was upset and had some feelings of hopelessness, but I also was losing my ability to do normal things.
“I will live through it” and “I will face it” are thoughts that can coexist with something like suicidal feelings. It’s normal anyway for people to have ambivalence about a lot of things in life, and having strong feelings of wanting to live out your life to its natural conclusion at 80 or 100 or however long it will be along with strong feelings of discomfort about what your life is like and fear about what your life is going to be like in the future are normal reactions to times of intense pain or frightening circumstances.
“I will live through it” is a thought that has gotten me through a lot of things, a lot of fears, even big fears. “I will face it” has allowed me to be as self-respecting as possible when confronted with the possibility of things that I might not be able to do anything about.
Copyright L. Kochman November 3, 2010