THERE IS NO CODE INTENDED IN ANYTHING I WRITE HERE.
April 21, 2011 @ 9:34 a.m.
On the inside of the door of the bathroom closest to the Department of Labor--
(I interrupt the telling of this essay to say that I am at the Department of Labor right now. In the office, which is an adjoining room with an open doorway, the staff are talking about Hawaii, hula dancing, and “water in the hole.”
I’ve also been having an ongoing struggle with the janitorial staff, who insist on leaving “Caution: Wet Floor” signs prominently displayed even when there’s no wet floor anywhere around. They are permanently leaving several “Caution: Wet Floor” signs out in the lobby and along the staircases. The front doors to the building are glass, and for the past few days, I have walked up the stairs leading into the building to see one of the signs propped up against the glass.
This morning I talked to the supervisor of the janitorial staff, and he told me to leave the signs where they were. One of his employees, a woman who’s probably a decade or more older than I am, was leaning over the banister, grinning, and watching him try to debase me. She’s the one who’s been leaving the signs around in the first place, and who yelled at me when she saw that I’d moved them out of the way the first time I did it.
I’ve been moving one or more of the signs to a less conspicuous place every morning when I walk into the building, and today I moved one of them right in front of the guy just after he told me to leave them where they were. The signs should be in a utility closet; I’ve worked a million jobs in which I had to sweep and mop floors, and I know that you don’t need a bunch of those signs to be out all day. I also know that those signs weren’t all over the place when I first starting showing up in this building.
I told him “This is not a place where people are supposed to be getting abused. You’re here to help people.”
One of the things that the supervisor said before I moved the sign myself was “What if people walk by and spill something on the floor?” I suppose that could happen, but you don’t need a bunch of signs all over the place just in case that happens. One or two signs that you keep in the bathroom on each floor or next to the water fountain will do; that’s assuming that there is no utility closet nearby, which I know that there is.)
On the inside of the door of the bathroom closest to the office of the Department of Labor in this building is a poster that says:
“WHEN YOU BRING YOUR NEW BABY HOME:
--You will have lots of new experiences together…
--being hurt or threatened by someone you love should not be one of them
--For many women, abuse in a relationship starts or gets worse after the baby is born.
--The abuse is not your fault.
If you or someone you know needs help:
--call 911 if you are in immediate danger…”
And then there’s more advice.
The line that spoke to me the most was “The abuse is not your fault.”
I think that there are a lot of people in this building who do think that the abuse is my fault, even if they have no idea what the real motivation is behind the abuse. It has seemed to me for a long time that the real motivation behind the abuse is to re-establish male dominance over every other human being. I’m just a symbol and a scapegoat for that.
I didn’t want to go back to this criticism, but honest to G-d; a black President who is out to destroy the lives of women and children. HOW? How does he make it make sense in his own mind? Why hasn’t the historical black American experience of being a systematically oppressed group given him any insight into his own behavior toward women and children?
It’s not about me; I don’t know if the President gets that. It’s not about me personally losing anything. I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again; I’d rather be myself, with the values that I have and the difficulties that are a result of my refusing to be degraded by him. I’d rather be exactly where I am now than living in a mansion that I or anybody else paid for with money made from participating in the horrors of the past year.
Copyright L. Kochman April 21, 2011 @9:35 a.m.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Visit www.helpguide.org to see the article with links to related articles. © Helpguide.org. All rights reserved.
This material is for information and support; not a substitute for professional advice.
Domestic Violence and Abuse Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.
Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.
In This Article: Print Authors Text Size
Understanding domestic violence and abuse Women don’t have to live in fear:
UK: ManKind Initiative offers a national helpline at 01823 334244.
Australia: One in Three Campaign offers help and resources for male victims.
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.
Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help.
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.
Signs of an abusive relationship:
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior Do you:
Does your partner:
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
Does your partner:
Physical abuse and domestic violence When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.
Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.
It Is Still Abuse If . . .
Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think.
When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.
Understanding emotional abuse The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.
Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse.
Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:
Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.
Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.
General warning signs of domestic abuse People who are being abused may:
Do's and Don't's Do:
Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that you’re concerned. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that you’re there, whenever he or she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can.
Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.
Related articles Help for Abused and Battered Women
Domestic Violence Shelters, Support, and Protection
Relationship Help
Building Great Relationships Using Emotional Intelligence
More Helpguide articles:
Symptoms of Emotional Abuse (for women) and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse (for men) – Guide to emotional abuse and the warning signs, including common characteristics of abusers. (Lilac Lane)
What Does Love Got to Do With It? Why People Stay in Relationships with Angry People – Discusses codependency in abusive relationships, how to evaluate the health of your relationship, and tips for getting out. (Get Your Angries Out)
Emotional Abuse – In-depth discussion of emotional abuse, including types of emotional abuse and signs of abusive, authority-based relationships. (EQI.org)
Domestic violence and physical abuse Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook – Guide to domestic violence covers common myths, what to say to a victim, and what communities can do about the problem. (U.S. Department of Agriculture)
The Problem – Describes the problem of battering and signs of domestic violence. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Domestic Violence Warning Signs – Describes common warning signs that an individual is being emotionally abused or beaten. (Safe Place, Michigan State University)
For men Male Victims of Domestic Abuse (PDF) – Information for and about male victims of domestic violence. (Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women)
About Domestic Violence Against Men – Statistics and information about abuse and domestic violence against men. (Oregon Counseling)
Intimate Partner Abuse Against Men (PDF) – Learn about domestic violence against men, including homosexual partner abuse, sexual abuse of boys and male teenagers, and abuse by wives or partners. (National Clearinghouse on Family Violence, Canada)
Abused Men: Domestic Violence Works Both Ways – Women are not the only victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence. Learn more about the problems abused men face. (AARDVARC.org)
For teens Dating Violence – Guide to teen dating violence, including early warning signs that your boyfriend or girlfriend may become abusive. (The Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Teens: Love Doesn’t Have To Hurt (PDF) – A teen-friendly guide to what abuse looks like in dating relationships and how to do something about it. (American Psychological Association)
For gay men and women Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships – Learn myths about same-sex abuse, unique problems victims of same-sex abuse face, and how to get help. (Education Wife Assault)
For immigrants Information for Immigrants – Domestic violence resources for immigrant women. En Español: Información para Inmigrantes. (Women’s Law Initiative)
Domestic violence hotlines and help National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. (Texas Council on Family Violence)
State Coalition List – Directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. Includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women - Specializing in providing support to male victims of abuse. (DAHMV)
Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to this article. Last reviewed: March 2011
© 2001-2011. All rights reserved. This reprint is for information and support only and NOT a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment. Visit WWW.HELPGUIDE.ORG for more information and related articles.
addthis_pub = 'helpguide'; addthis_logo_background = 'EFEFFF'; addthis_logo_color = '666699'; addthis_brand = 'Helpguide.org'; addthis_options = 'favorites, email, digg, delicious, myspace, facebook, google, live, more'; Back to Top Print About Us | Contact | Newsletter | Memorials | Reprints & Permissions | Terms of Use | Site Map | About Rotary ©2001-2011. All rights reserved. This site is for information and support only and NOT a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment. More
dmbHighlightTBItem(1, 'Abuse & Addictions'); var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www."); document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' 'text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E")); var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-3266550-1"); pageTracker._initData(); pageTracker._trackPageview();
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 21, 2011 @ 9:45 a.m.
I couldn't fix the small things that didn't transcibe perfectly from the first website I got to from a Google search of the term "abuse of women." The staff here at the DOL have tired of talking loudly with each other in order to make comments to try to upset me and have started to pace around to see if they can find a way to hassle me directly.
April 21, 2011 @ 10:08 a.m.
I wrote this at the time indicated but couldn’t put it here until now, @ 10:40 a.m.
There’s a separate room in the office of the DOL where patrons can make phone calls. I was just in that room trying to call some former employers to find out my dates of hire and last days worked.
When I walked out of the room, one of the staff here was walking along the hall with another staff person, saw me, and said loudly “You know if something’s leaking.” They both laughed.
As I’ve said, time and time again, people who do things like that are incapable of hurting my feelings. However, it’s discrimination and it’s harassment, even if women do it to other women.
Sometimes it gets a little lonely; that’s the part of it that can be painful. However, I never lose sight of the fact that I’m not the one who has a reason to be ashamed. As in all abusive situations, it’s not the person who’s being abused who deserves to feel ashamed.
Copyright L. Kochman, April 21, 2011 @ 10:40 a.m.
April 21, 2011 @ 9:34 a.m.
On the inside of the door of the bathroom closest to the Department of Labor--
(I interrupt the telling of this essay to say that I am at the Department of Labor right now. In the office, which is an adjoining room with an open doorway, the staff are talking about Hawaii, hula dancing, and “water in the hole.”
I’ve also been having an ongoing struggle with the janitorial staff, who insist on leaving “Caution: Wet Floor” signs prominently displayed even when there’s no wet floor anywhere around. They are permanently leaving several “Caution: Wet Floor” signs out in the lobby and along the staircases. The front doors to the building are glass, and for the past few days, I have walked up the stairs leading into the building to see one of the signs propped up against the glass.
This morning I talked to the supervisor of the janitorial staff, and he told me to leave the signs where they were. One of his employees, a woman who’s probably a decade or more older than I am, was leaning over the banister, grinning, and watching him try to debase me. She’s the one who’s been leaving the signs around in the first place, and who yelled at me when she saw that I’d moved them out of the way the first time I did it.
I’ve been moving one or more of the signs to a less conspicuous place every morning when I walk into the building, and today I moved one of them right in front of the guy just after he told me to leave them where they were. The signs should be in a utility closet; I’ve worked a million jobs in which I had to sweep and mop floors, and I know that you don’t need a bunch of those signs to be out all day. I also know that those signs weren’t all over the place when I first starting showing up in this building.
I told him “This is not a place where people are supposed to be getting abused. You’re here to help people.”
One of the things that the supervisor said before I moved the sign myself was “What if people walk by and spill something on the floor?” I suppose that could happen, but you don’t need a bunch of signs all over the place just in case that happens. One or two signs that you keep in the bathroom on each floor or next to the water fountain will do; that’s assuming that there is no utility closet nearby, which I know that there is.)
On the inside of the door of the bathroom closest to the office of the Department of Labor in this building is a poster that says:
“WHEN YOU BRING YOUR NEW BABY HOME:
--You will have lots of new experiences together…
--being hurt or threatened by someone you love should not be one of them
--For many women, abuse in a relationship starts or gets worse after the baby is born.
--The abuse is not your fault.
If you or someone you know needs help:
--call 911 if you are in immediate danger…”
And then there’s more advice.
The line that spoke to me the most was “The abuse is not your fault.”
I think that there are a lot of people in this building who do think that the abuse is my fault, even if they have no idea what the real motivation is behind the abuse. It has seemed to me for a long time that the real motivation behind the abuse is to re-establish male dominance over every other human being. I’m just a symbol and a scapegoat for that.
I didn’t want to go back to this criticism, but honest to G-d; a black President who is out to destroy the lives of women and children. HOW? How does he make it make sense in his own mind? Why hasn’t the historical black American experience of being a systematically oppressed group given him any insight into his own behavior toward women and children?
It’s not about me; I don’t know if the President gets that. It’s not about me personally losing anything. I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again; I’d rather be myself, with the values that I have and the difficulties that are a result of my refusing to be degraded by him. I’d rather be exactly where I am now than living in a mansion that I or anybody else paid for with money made from participating in the horrors of the past year.
Copyright L. Kochman April 21, 2011 @9:35 a.m.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Visit www.helpguide.org to see the article with links to related articles. © Helpguide.org. All rights reserved.
This material is for information and support; not a substitute for professional advice.
Domestic Violence and Abuse Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.
Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.
In This Article: Print Authors Text Size
Understanding domestic violence and abuse Women don’t have to live in fear:
- In the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
- UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
- Canada: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010
- Australia: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800 200 526
- Or visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a worldwide list of helplines, shelters, and crisis centers.
UK: ManKind Initiative offers a national helpline at 01823 334244.
Australia: One in Three Campaign offers help and resources for male victims.
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.
Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help.
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.
Signs of an abusive relationship:
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior Do you:
- feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
- avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
- feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
- believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
- wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
- feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
- humiliate or yell at you?
- criticize you and put you down?
- treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
- ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
- blame you for his own abusive behavior?
- see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
- have a bad and unpredictable temper?
- hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
- threaten to take your children away or harm them?
- threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
- force you to have sex?
- destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
- act excessively jealous and possessive?
- control where you go or what you do?
- keep you from seeing your friends or family?
- limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
- constantly check up on you?
Physical abuse and domestic violence When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.
Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.
It Is Still Abuse If . . .
- The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
- The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
- The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
- There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.
Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think.
When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.
Understanding emotional abuse The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.
Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse.
Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:
- Rigidly controlling your finances.
- Withholding money or credit cards.
- Making you account for every penny you spend.
- Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
- Restricting you to an allowance.
- Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
- Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
- Stealing from you or taking your money.
Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.
Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
- Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
- Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
- Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
- Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
- Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
- Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
- Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
- Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
- Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
- Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.
- Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
- Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
- Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
- "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
- Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
- Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.
General warning signs of domestic abuse People who are being abused may:
- Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
- Go along with everything their partner says and does.
- Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
- Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
- Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.
- Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
- Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
- Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).
- Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
- Rarely go out in public without their partner.
- Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.
- Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
- Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
- Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.
Do's and Don't's Do:
- Ask if something is wrong.
- Express concern.
- Listen and validate.
- Offer help.
- Support his or her decisions.
- Wait for him or her to come to you.
- Judge or blame.
- Pressure him or her.
- Give advice.
- Place conditions on your support.
Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that you’re concerned. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that you’re there, whenever he or she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can.
Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.
Related articles Help for Abused and Battered Women
Domestic Violence Shelters, Support, and Protection
Relationship Help
Building Great Relationships Using Emotional Intelligence
More Helpguide articles:
- Healing Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Symptoms, Treatment, and Recovery
- Anger Management: Tips and Techniques for Getting Anger Under Control
- Child Abuse and Neglect: Recognizing and Preventing Child Abuse
- Elder Abuse and Neglect: Warning Signs, Risk Factors, Prevention, and Help
Symptoms of Emotional Abuse (for women) and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse (for men) – Guide to emotional abuse and the warning signs, including common characteristics of abusers. (Lilac Lane)
What Does Love Got to Do With It? Why People Stay in Relationships with Angry People – Discusses codependency in abusive relationships, how to evaluate the health of your relationship, and tips for getting out. (Get Your Angries Out)
Emotional Abuse – In-depth discussion of emotional abuse, including types of emotional abuse and signs of abusive, authority-based relationships. (EQI.org)
Domestic violence and physical abuse Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook – Guide to domestic violence covers common myths, what to say to a victim, and what communities can do about the problem. (U.S. Department of Agriculture)
The Problem – Describes the problem of battering and signs of domestic violence. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Domestic Violence Warning Signs – Describes common warning signs that an individual is being emotionally abused or beaten. (Safe Place, Michigan State University)
For men Male Victims of Domestic Abuse (PDF) – Information for and about male victims of domestic violence. (Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women)
About Domestic Violence Against Men – Statistics and information about abuse and domestic violence against men. (Oregon Counseling)
Intimate Partner Abuse Against Men (PDF) – Learn about domestic violence against men, including homosexual partner abuse, sexual abuse of boys and male teenagers, and abuse by wives or partners. (National Clearinghouse on Family Violence, Canada)
Abused Men: Domestic Violence Works Both Ways – Women are not the only victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence. Learn more about the problems abused men face. (AARDVARC.org)
For teens Dating Violence – Guide to teen dating violence, including early warning signs that your boyfriend or girlfriend may become abusive. (The Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Teens: Love Doesn’t Have To Hurt (PDF) – A teen-friendly guide to what abuse looks like in dating relationships and how to do something about it. (American Psychological Association)
For gay men and women Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships – Learn myths about same-sex abuse, unique problems victims of same-sex abuse face, and how to get help. (Education Wife Assault)
For immigrants Information for Immigrants – Domestic violence resources for immigrant women. En Español: Información para Inmigrantes. (Women’s Law Initiative)
Domestic violence hotlines and help National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. (Texas Council on Family Violence)
State Coalition List – Directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. Includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women - Specializing in providing support to male victims of abuse. (DAHMV)
Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to this article. Last reviewed: March 2011
© 2001-2011. All rights reserved. This reprint is for information and support only and NOT a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment. Visit WWW.HELPGUIDE.ORG for more information and related articles.
addthis_pub = 'helpguide'; addthis_logo_background = 'EFEFFF'; addthis_logo_color = '666699'; addthis_brand = 'Helpguide.org'; addthis_options = 'favorites, email, digg, delicious, myspace, facebook, google, live, more'; Back to Top Print About Us | Contact | Newsletter | Memorials | Reprints & Permissions | Terms of Use | Site Map | About Rotary ©2001-2011. All rights reserved. This site is for information and support only and NOT a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment. More
dmbHighlightTBItem(1, 'Abuse & Addictions'); var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www."); document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' 'text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E")); var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-3266550-1"); pageTracker._initData(); pageTracker._trackPageview();
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 21, 2011 @ 9:45 a.m.
I couldn't fix the small things that didn't transcibe perfectly from the first website I got to from a Google search of the term "abuse of women." The staff here at the DOL have tired of talking loudly with each other in order to make comments to try to upset me and have started to pace around to see if they can find a way to hassle me directly.
April 21, 2011 @ 10:08 a.m.
I wrote this at the time indicated but couldn’t put it here until now, @ 10:40 a.m.
There’s a separate room in the office of the DOL where patrons can make phone calls. I was just in that room trying to call some former employers to find out my dates of hire and last days worked.
When I walked out of the room, one of the staff here was walking along the hall with another staff person, saw me, and said loudly “You know if something’s leaking.” They both laughed.
As I’ve said, time and time again, people who do things like that are incapable of hurting my feelings. However, it’s discrimination and it’s harassment, even if women do it to other women.
Sometimes it gets a little lonely; that’s the part of it that can be painful. However, I never lose sight of the fact that I’m not the one who has a reason to be ashamed. As in all abusive situations, it’s not the person who’s being abused who deserves to feel ashamed.
Copyright L. Kochman, April 21, 2011 @ 10:40 a.m.